Missing Dad…

[February 2022 – This was originally written to be a post, but I decided not to post it as a regular post, and make it a page instead to be linked from my next post, which will be about the house.]

Well… It’s been a minute…. Yes, this is a blog about our house, but it feels as though nearly all of my posts over the past few years have been about my personal life and not so much about our house. As I have written before (ad nauseam), this past three years has been a roller coaster of life altering events, and recently I have yet again experienced a major life change.

I won’t suffer you the details about 2019 and 2020 again, or even the first half of 2021 which I wrote about in detail last June, but I will fill in the blanks since then. After more than 75 years of living in Central California, my father moved in with us at the end of June. This was a HUGE change for him, and for us as well.

Dad had developed Parkinson’s, mostly in his legs, which became a source of frustration for him as he began to lose mobility. Navigating the four marble steps on our stoop was a big challenge for him, taking minutes instead of seconds to come and go. To accommodate his being stuck on the first floor, I somehow managed to construct a fully functioning shower stall in our half-bath, and set up a bedroom area in our dining room.

We expected he would stay with us for a short while and then transition into an assisted living situation. But as the Delta variant set in last summer, moving him out felt unwise, and I was in no rush to move him out. I grew to enjoy having him in my home , spending time with him, and caring for him. Finally, in November (a week before Omicron), he moved into an assisted living apartment in the Germantown area of North Philly. The first few weeks were tough for him, but I had hope.

The week before Christmas, he had a series of setbacks resulting in a brief hospital stay in early January followed by a planned short term stay in skilled nursing for rehab. On Sunday, January 16th, we chatted via FaceTime and he seemed despondent and a bit out of it. I knew something wasn’t right. Sure enough, later that evening, I got the call that he had passed. I was surprised, but not shocked. This was ten days shy of the three year anniversary of my mothers passing in 2019. It looks like January will now and forever have an emotional time for me.

The hardest part has been that I had not seen him since we brought him spicy Indian food on Christmas Day (he loved anything spicy, and would add Sriracha to nearly anything you put in front of him). Because of F*cking Omicron, the hospital was on lockdown for visitation as was the skilled nursing area. I was not able to be there in person for his last three weeks and I will always feel as though I failed him, even though it was out of my control.

Thankfully he didn’t suffer much physical pain, if any, in the end. The official cause of death was considered “natural causes”, I however believe he died of a broken heart. You see, I come from a WASPy lineage of bottle up your feelings and put on a good face to the world. The only time I ever saw my father shed a tear was when his mother died in the 1980s. And even then, it was only for a few minutes.

Then when my mom passed in 2019, I watched him break down and tear up in an instant… Over and over… for weeks on end. They had been together more than 57 years, and had become inseparable. Growing up, I never heard him verbalize feelings or show much physical affection. But over the years, my mom trained him to say “I love you” without being prompted. That was a big deal, and while he kept up his stoic self in public, he let his soft side come out with her. When she was gone, he was suddenly and completely lost without her.

After mom passed, I made it a requirement that he text me every morning so I would know he was okay. This is when our relationship began to get much stronger. In addition to letting me know that he was doing okay and that he loved me (and my husband), he began adding emoji to his messages. Hearts, hugs, bunnies, and often random emoji which often made no sense would arrive each day, always putting a smile on my face. When I drove out to stay with him last spring, the daily texts ceased, but he then began saying “I love you” before bed each night. They resumed again when he moved into the assisted living last fall and into his final days (above). What a gift to know how much he cared.

My father was an amazing man. He could do nearly anything whether it was fixing broken appliances, repairing the TV, automotive maintenance, or even home improvement. I thought everybody’s father could do all these things and didn’t understand how exceptional he was until later in life.

Those last nine months of caring for him were a privilege and an honor. No amount of words can express my gratitude for the experiences we shared this past year. I only wish I had more time… But don’t we all. Thank you dad for making me the man that I am today. Thank you for being you.

When my mom passed, I wrote a post to honor her. Little did I know it was to be the beginning of several years of life challenges. As this post honors my father, I can only hope his loss bookends this past three years and I look forward to moving on. There is much catharsis in writing that helps me to feel the feelings rather than bottling them up as my WASPy lineage would have me do. My fingers are crossed that the roller coaster of life levels off for a while and I can return to blogging about the house… And actually get some work done.

[Follow up, May 2022 -In mid-February, Yoav and I traveled to California with the ashes of both of my parents. We first went to Carmel by the Sea where they honeymooned and spent 25+ anniversaries. I chartered a boat and offshore, I spread their ashes together as a final resting place. We then traveled to my hometown of Sacramento where we held a memorial service at the church my father attended since 1944. It was three years and one week following my mothers memorial in the same place.

Losing my Father has been one of the most difficult experiences I have had in life. I think it is because I was his caretaker for the last nine months of his life. We were never close when I was growing up, but we became very close this past year. I miss him a shocking amount, but now several months out, am beginning to feel better and working towards getting back into the swing of things… Like working on the house. I promise, I will be back, and there will be exciting things to come!]